So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize