Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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