Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
