Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
