So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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