i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
