You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
