When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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