I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
