You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
