haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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