dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
