i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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