mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
