1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
