i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
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Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
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As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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