my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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