Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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