Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
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