You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
