I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
