My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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