why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
