I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
