I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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