im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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