saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
