well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
