Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
it wasn't lemon gatorade
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
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I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
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Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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