Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
