She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
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He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
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If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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