you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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