dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
