We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
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he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
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I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
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