i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
