Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Randomize
