the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
