you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
