I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
