Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
