I think I won the penis lottery.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
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