i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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