I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
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