This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
