Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
We're too hungover to prance.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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