I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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