Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
