guys are only as good as the porn they watch
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
