Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Randomize
