Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
