I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
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Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
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We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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