After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
