cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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