stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
