If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
