I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
