my soul wont recognize me after tonight
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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