from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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