Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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