apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Everything about him screamed your future.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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