no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
